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TASTELESS JOKES ABOUT VAMPIRES AND THE BRITISH People are very welcome to send in jokes! There were two Scotsman walking down a country road. As they walked along they came upon a woman laying prone across the road. One of the Scotsman immediately threw himself on her and had his way with her. The other Scot looked on in shock and then yelled, "Good God, man, can't you see that woman's dead?!" The first Scot looked at him and said, "Oh dear. I just thought she was English." There was an Englishman, a German and an Irishman in a pub. Each ordered a beer and each one received a beer ... plus a fly floating lazily in the liquid. The Englishman squealed in horror and said, "Eek! Eek! Take it away! Take it away!" The German just shrugged and drank it. The Irishman picked up the fly, shook it and yelled, "Spit it out, ye bastard. Spit it out!" An Englishman and a Scot were walking down a country lane when they came across a sheep with her head stuck in a fence. The Scot said, "Hoot, mon, this is too good an opportunity to pass up!" and proceeded to start humping the sheep. The Englishman was beside himself with excitement at the sight. He humped up and down shouting "Me too! Me too!" The Scot replied, "Dinna rush me, mon! These things take time." And continued about his business. Finally, the Scot achieved his climax and stepped aside for the Englishman. "Your turn now" he said. The Englishman dropped his pants and promptly stuck his head in the fence. A Church of England vicar and a Methodist minister have been having a friendly meeting at the residence of a Catholic priest. As they start to think about leaving, the priest offered them a whisky to help them on their way. "Don't mind if I do, thanks," says the vicar, and is given an ample glassful. "And yourself?" says the priest to the Methodist minister. "What? Drink alcohol?" says the minister aghast. "Why, I'd rather commit adultery!!" At this the vicar spits his whisky back into his glass: "Wahoa! ... I never realized there was a choice ..." This is a song: Can you hear the English singing? No, no. Can you hear the English singing? No, no. Can you hear the English singing? I cannae hear a fuckin' thing... No, no. Voltaire was visiting London one fine day (one of the few) -- in the midst of a war between France and England no less. As he walked the streets, an angry mob of Londoners spotted him as a Frenchie (by his clothes no doubt) and started yelling for his blood, "Kill the frog! Kill the frog!!" Voltaire, being no fool (says who?), ran. After a while, however, he realized he could not outrun them and turned to face the pack of wild Limeys. "My friends! er. My enemies! You wish to kill me because I am French, but am I not punished enough by not being English?" The mob stopped, applauded and let him go. An Englishman, a Frenchman a Mexican and a Texan were flying across country in a small plane when the pilot comes on over the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you can survive." The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save the Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman, greatly inspired, hollers "Viva la France!" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan, so he hollers "Remember the Alamo!" and grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that english prat again." What do you get if you cross Darla with Lee Iacocca? autoexec.bat A darkened alleyway. A thin sliver of moon rides the sky. A lone human walks slowly through the rubbish. Suddenly, a dark shadow wraps itself around the human, and drags it to the floor. It tries to scream out, but the monster wrapped about it holds its mouth shut with a grip of iron. Wild eyes stare disbelievingly at the incarnation of its worse nightmares. Beautiful, but deadly. The creature smiles, revealing its fangs, and laughs quietly as the human's struggles fade away... The vampire speaks. "So, little one, do you want to die now?" "Or do you want to live forever..." "Mm mm mmm mmm." "What? I can't hear you..." "Mm mmm mmbloody handmm mmmouth!" "Oh, sorry." An embarrassed silence, and then, "So, little one, do you-" "I heard you the first time, you fanged pillock." "Here, don't take that tone with me! I'm a bloody vampire, I'll have you know, scourge of the living, drinker of innocent blood. Don't call me a pillock!" "I don't care if you're Bela bloomin' Lugosi, mate, get your knee out of my friggin' kidney!" "Look, you're not making this any easier for me, you know. Just answer the question! So, little one-" "Listen, before I answer anything, you're not doing a survey for some bloody newspaper are you? Can't stand those bloody surveys." "I don't believe this. Here I am, wearing a big black cloak, stalking a moonlit alley, and you ask me am I doing a survey! What kind of a prat are you?" "Hey, watch who you're calling a prat, you anemic little spook. I didn't come walking down this alley to be abused by the likes of you, you know." "No? Where do you usually go then?" "Oh very funny. Very bleedin' funny." "Right, I'm going to ask you one last time: so, little one, do-" "Who you calling little? I'm as tall as you." "It's a figure of speech." "What, like you're a figure of fun, you reject from the Batcave?" "Right, that's it." "What's the matter now?" "I'm not drinking one drop of your blood until you apologize." "But-" "Apologize. Apologize right now, or I'm not touching that horrible neck of yours." "Oh, come on-" "Don't touch me." "But-" "Don't touch me." "Don't you think you're over-reacting?" "Over-reacting? Over-reacting? I don't believe this. I spend all day in a 7 by 1 by 2 coffin, while you swan around in the sun. And then, when I finally get out, you have to ruin the evening by calling me a reject from the Batcave! Really, mortals! That's mortals for you, no bloody consideration. You make me sick." "Look-" "Don't touch me." "Look, I'm sorry. But it's not like I've had a good day either." "Hey, you try spending fourteen hours in a box six feet under, with bloody claustrophobia an' all. It ain't fun, mate, let me tell you that." "I said I'm sorry. What more do you want?" "Well, you could answer my bloody question for a start." "Alright. What was it again?" "So, little one, do you want to die now? Or do you want to live forever?" The mortal considers... time passes... the mortal considers some more... The vampire says, "Well?" "Oh, I'm sorry. What was the question again?" "AAARRGGHHHHHH!!!!!" The vampire flutters away, thoroughly pissed off. The mortal stands up, and slowly brushes the dust from his clothes. "Bloody fanged pillock." Two nuns are driving through a deserted town. Suddenly, a vampire falls onto their windowshield. One nun yells to the other, "Quick! Show them your cross!" The other nun screams to the vampire, "Fuck off, you bastard!" Warning! Tasteless, sick joke ahead! A vampire goes into a bar and asks for a glass of hot blood. The bartender gives it to him, no questions asked. A second vampire comes into the bar and ask for a glass of hot blood. Again, he gets it and no questions asked. A third vampire comes into the bar and asks for a glass of hot water. The bartender gives it to him but cannot contain his curiousity and asks, "How come you didn't order a glass of hot blood like the other vamps?" The third vampire looked at him, took out a used tampon and said, "Tea."